The many sided ‘weather conversation’: a guide to speaking to the over 65s.

It’s the end of Uni, the start of Summer and just before you jet off into the Amazon Rainforest, one of Bali’s finest beaches or just a tacky 2* holiday to Majorca (begging for this to happen soon please friends). You’ve been held at gunpoint by the parents. Gunpoint AKA guiltpoint to go and visit every member of your deranged family.

If only this was an inevitable outcome. 

This is also referred to as ‘the rounds’. The extensive family visit to every single fucking county to see your moms second cousin removed, great aunt who you haven’t seen since you were this tall (*does action of every family member raising hand to knee and grinning*). 

So here’s a guide which to help you eliminate any awkwardness and keep the conversation flowing: 

Weather. The first point of call. This can be a good 15 minute ice breaker, different forms of precipitation ‘heavy, spitting, showery, regular, irregular, wet, muggy’ just some of the key words when talking about rain. Make a short snappy joke ‘ooh bet the washing couldn’t dry’ another conversation starter. And you’re off.

'fuk sake sylvie itz rainin cnt put washn on line luv a v. pissd off mary x'

Ornaments. Next, it is almost certain you will take a guide of your great aunts house which you remember very clearly, pretend not to as you obviously saw them last when you were 1ft high?! Comment on ornaments, all old people have ornaments, the origin, what they’re made from can last another 15 minutes. Make out you are interested, but not too interested else she’ll get you to go in the loft and hunt down potential ornamental candidates for your next date – a trip to Antiques roadshow.

Childhood memories. See an old black and white photo on a piece of parchment? Ask where, when, who, what, when, where, how (over and over again) they’ll forget what they said first.

Tea . A cup of tea is imperative to the function of any human being over the age of 65 (and myself). Which type, consistency, how often, which milk, (green, blue, red - if they have red walk out in protest). If all else fails putting the kettle on will redeem any situation.

You said what? You don't like tea? Get out.

Appliances. They bloody love appliances, my nan has had her fridge for FIFTY YEARS I mean what the fuck? How does that even happen, I average a kettle every 6 months for christs sake. Longeivity of appliances will bide you another 10-15 minutes or so.  

Technology. Computers, iPhones and game consoles, a world which they do not understand. Which continues to perplex a large majority of pensioners. They are fascinated by the speaking Siri man, or the Sat-Nav lady. The 'oh how times have changed' conversation will be instigated. 

                     Keep smiling Dorothy it looks like we know what we're doing. 

Just great.

PLANTS. Fuck me should of said this earlier, they bloody love plants AND they’ll be more than excited to see google images of the ‘plant that could have been’. They love to revel in what could of been. May instigate the story of that  young whipper snapper they nearly married, or that threesome they nearly had..

Offers. Two for one, BOG OFF, Buy seven get the eighth free? (con) All old’uns LOVE AN offer. The reverse of an offer a PRICE INCREASE will inevitably come up and if your subject is anything like my nan you will be talking for 10 minutes.

 Neighbours. Gossip. They just love it, ‘Eileens got her washing out’ you reply ‘bloody hell Eileens got a massive arse’ (tweak this to the taste of your grandmother/relative, many of mine don’t like a swear). Make them giggle they’re not used to such tomfoolery. 

Gosh Eileen's slim.

Bin day. This will inevitably fuel a rant about the council altering the days for the black and green and then leaving the bin too far into the road obstructing the path. Take this in, this is what you have to look forward to. Or it may lead to an angina attack as they will have misheard thinking the bin men are here – I mean if my nan every missed bin day I’m pretty sure I’d have to hide every rope shaped item in the house. Don't show her this app though, >>> she'll shit herself with excitement.  

A selfie. The most popular kind of photo, a selfie. If getting on, suggest a selfie, explain it’ll make them feel young and hip.. take and then put on facebook, twitter etc. If anything it makes you employable to potential social mediastalking employees? A selfie with an old person screams 'Communicating and working with various types of people'.

(ignore arrow lol googles finest)

Checking your photos the next day, you see this.

 ..and this.

‘That Rihanna’. They may look like a shrivelled up prune but good Ol’ Aunt Hilda is still aware of mod popstars? Gets the Dailymail every Saturday and believes every bloody word. 

No Nan tattoos don't reduce your risk of getting cancer! 'But the Daily Mail said so?!' 

Countryfile. (or Songs of praise, best bet CF). Oh my word, I mean even at times I love this bloody programme, so addictive. This’ll get the whole family talking, easing the weight on you, jaws a bit saw after all that talking and heads a bit saw after all that nodding.
 

'Get back to Blue Peter you nonce, you don't belong here'

 The Royal family.  My nan is obsessed, since she received a personalised card (definitely not personalised at all) for her and my grampy’s 65^th wedding anniversary (amazing). Just saying the name Harry sends my nan into a tutting frenzy referring to his strip poker dabble in Las Vegas.

 This woman is a DON.

Lastly, if all else fails and the awkward silence commences, the one topic hidden right back if necessary – Immigration. Need I say more? No, speaks for itself, old people have many views on this topic. Due to the fact they more often than not don’t reealllly understand it? Just sit back, relax and watch the arguments unfold. 

 

 

This post is in honour of my best friend and Grampy, John. Hope this makes you laugh.

x

Nightclub toilets

Having spent the last few weeks waving goodbye to student lifestyle by getting totally trollied, I have witnessed a great deal of nightclub toilet scenarios. I took it upon myself, (an angry emotional drunk), to take a backseat in order to witness the types of toilet goers (I know hard to believe, still the occasional lapse here and there).

Having done a few nights of market research I have identified the usual personalities spotted in the toilets.

So here goes..

Firstly, what I like to call the ‘sap’, complimenting on any item of clothing, makeup or accessory in order to lick your arse and pass the time away/if they’ve got half a brain use this to manoeuvre themselves on to that toilet seat quicker. (Usually ignored by me, not got time for you, this is a dog eat dog world we live in)

Next the angry hipster kicking doors, bashing shit anything to get those girls out so she can sit on the toilet and use her key to.. unlock ..her ..heart? (definitely most me, minus the hipster and key usage)

The absolute mess – eyes rolling back practically half dead being propped up by her friends. Usually being dragged out of the toilet half unconscious, pants down her shins. (Great photo)

One to show the grankids? 

My absolute favourite, the ‘gender uncertain’. There is always one that you have to REALLY look at to establish their sex. Should they be in here? What's that bulge? That's definitely stubble?! Why don't I just sneeze to see if their wig blows off or skirt blows up.. 

God doesn't Jim shit i mean Jane look dashing in florals?

The familiar one, have definitely met before, or they just look like everyone else (very possible in Leeds). Bindi, sparkly makeup and long straggly hair nearing the perception of dreads but is obviously blow dried 5 times a week. Debating whether to say hi? (Don’t kindness gets you nowhere/being nice is boring)

The boy, wandered in hoping to get lucky, or just absolutely shamefully fucked. Bless. Can’t handle his substances. Usually guided out by some girl whose equally as desperate, often seen going home together later. Lol.

The saw thumb – heels, bodycon dress and faux tanned to the eyeballs at a edgy (dingy warehouse in the middle of nowhere) house night? Ooooooops honey Tequila’s 10 miles, and 2 tonnes less ket that way…

 Likes to take an obscene amount of pictures to show the world what fun she's having and also the contents of the toilet it seems?

The feminist (also me) who openly protests that the queue is obscene and will use the boys toilets (what boy is going to have a poo on a night out?!) Usually met by a group of angry males feeling that their masculinity has been trampled on because there’s a woman in the loo. Man the fuck up I just need a wee (or a small sick so I can carry on)

It's harder than it looks.. trust me 

The con-artist ‘I’m going to be sick make way or I’ll projectile on your hair let me go first’ – we all know you're going to relieve your exploding bladder and then take the piss by checking your hair and makeup. IT AIN'T HAPPENING we’re all in the same boat HAVE SOME RESPECT.

The pest found in unisex toilets, prowling for girls to 'flanter' with, which is totally wrong because you’re propped up against the urinal and you’re winking at me. Urinating = confidence?

Fuck speed dating this is where the D is at!

 Nowadays the only way to recruit a new friend, companion or stalker is via the toilets. I'm positive the average girl on a night out makes AT LEAST three new BFFs during visits to the rest room. 

Anyway there could be 10 parts to this post. However I’m going to focus on one specific comment which was made to me in a toilet last Christmas:

'How do you get a body like yours?!?'

I turn to see a mere 16-year old girl, looking at me with smudged eyeliner (evidently one too many WKDs) and a birds nest of hair, (I'll let her off it was snowing). And I suddenly thought to myself, how sad, she's so young, she should not be envious of me (I'm 5 years senior with at least three thick hairs forming a cult on my chin). 

But of course with a drink (or 10) down my gullet, my 'bantersaurus-rex' act blurted out:

'Squats'

Hahahahaha. Yeah fucking right, one a week more like and that's to pick up my washing. Thinking the conversation was over, i proceeded to smile and leave.. but she held me 

back: 'Squats?! Really, how many? Do you do any other workout?!' and of course my act continued fuelled by the audience I had (all of 4 people) to which I responded:

'50 squats a day and you'll look like me'

Wow. I really have outdone myself there. My dry tone and straight face, not many (apart from my friends) usually understands my sense of humour. Of course emerging from this situaiton my friend in stitches, I had a quick moment to reflect on the situation. The real reflection was on the girl who had been envious of my figure, people should love themselves and be confident and content in their own skin. The constant obsession with celebrities and their bodies is getting ludicrous, there's no denying I am a culprit of this 21st century fad, but isn't it sad that this is what we spend our spare time doing?!

I'm going to be honest though, comments like that will continue to find their way out of my mouth. Verbal diarrhoea is a problem I've had for a long time, probably since I emerged from the womb back in '91. However I do hope the girl is happy with herself, and hope she hasn't taken on my advice.. else she'll look better than me.. haha joking. (I'm not)

'What happens when you get a bladder infection? Urine big trouble...'

'Urinals? They take no shit'... 

Okay I can't think (/find) anymore, donations of the toilet pun variety would be kindly appreciated.