Nightclub toilets

Having spent the last few weeks waving goodbye to student lifestyle by getting totally trollied, I have witnessed a great deal of nightclub toilet scenarios. I took it upon myself, (an angry emotional drunk), to take a backseat in order to witness the types of toilet goers (I know hard to believe, still the occasional lapse here and there).

Having done a few nights of market research I have identified the usual personalities spotted in the toilets.

So here goes..

Firstly, what I like to call the ‘sap’, complimenting on any item of clothing, makeup or accessory in order to lick your arse and pass the time away/if they’ve got half a brain use this to manoeuvre themselves on to that toilet seat quicker. (Usually ignored by me, not got time for you, this is a dog eat dog world we live in)

Next the angry hipster kicking doors, bashing shit anything to get those girls out so she can sit on the toilet and use her key to.. unlock ..her ..heart? (definitely most me, minus the hipster and key usage)

The absolute mess – eyes rolling back practically half dead being propped up by her friends. Usually being dragged out of the toilet half unconscious, pants down her shins. (Great photo)

One to show the grankids? 

My absolute favourite, the ‘gender uncertain’. There is always one that you have to REALLY look at to establish their sex. Should they be in here? What's that bulge? That's definitely stubble?! Why don't I just sneeze to see if their wig blows off or skirt blows up.. 

God doesn't Jim shit i mean Jane look dashing in florals?

The familiar one, have definitely met before, or they just look like everyone else (very possible in Leeds). Bindi, sparkly makeup and long straggly hair nearing the perception of dreads but is obviously blow dried 5 times a week. Debating whether to say hi? (Don’t kindness gets you nowhere/being nice is boring)

The boy, wandered in hoping to get lucky, or just absolutely shamefully fucked. Bless. Can’t handle his substances. Usually guided out by some girl whose equally as desperate, often seen going home together later. Lol.

The saw thumb – heels, bodycon dress and faux tanned to the eyeballs at a edgy (dingy warehouse in the middle of nowhere) house night? Ooooooops honey Tequila’s 10 miles, and 2 tonnes less ket that way…

 Likes to take an obscene amount of pictures to show the world what fun she's having and also the contents of the toilet it seems?

The feminist (also me) who openly protests that the queue is obscene and will use the boys toilets (what boy is going to have a poo on a night out?!) Usually met by a group of angry males feeling that their masculinity has been trampled on because there’s a woman in the loo. Man the fuck up I just need a wee (or a small sick so I can carry on)

It's harder than it looks.. trust me 

The con-artist ‘I’m going to be sick make way or I’ll projectile on your hair let me go first’ – we all know you're going to relieve your exploding bladder and then take the piss by checking your hair and makeup. IT AIN'T HAPPENING we’re all in the same boat HAVE SOME RESPECT.

The pest found in unisex toilets, prowling for girls to 'flanter' with, which is totally wrong because you’re propped up against the urinal and you’re winking at me. Urinating = confidence?

Fuck speed dating this is where the D is at!

 Nowadays the only way to recruit a new friend, companion or stalker is via the toilets. I'm positive the average girl on a night out makes AT LEAST three new BFFs during visits to the rest room. 

Anyway there could be 10 parts to this post. However I’m going to focus on one specific comment which was made to me in a toilet last Christmas:

'How do you get a body like yours?!?'

I turn to see a mere 16-year old girl, looking at me with smudged eyeliner (evidently one too many WKDs) and a birds nest of hair, (I'll let her off it was snowing). And I suddenly thought to myself, how sad, she's so young, she should not be envious of me (I'm 5 years senior with at least three thick hairs forming a cult on my chin). 

But of course with a drink (or 10) down my gullet, my 'bantersaurus-rex' act blurted out:

'Squats'

Hahahahaha. Yeah fucking right, one a week more like and that's to pick up my washing. Thinking the conversation was over, i proceeded to smile and leave.. but she held me 

back: 'Squats?! Really, how many? Do you do any other workout?!' and of course my act continued fuelled by the audience I had (all of 4 people) to which I responded:

'50 squats a day and you'll look like me'

Wow. I really have outdone myself there. My dry tone and straight face, not many (apart from my friends) usually understands my sense of humour. Of course emerging from this situaiton my friend in stitches, I had a quick moment to reflect on the situation. The real reflection was on the girl who had been envious of my figure, people should love themselves and be confident and content in their own skin. The constant obsession with celebrities and their bodies is getting ludicrous, there's no denying I am a culprit of this 21st century fad, but isn't it sad that this is what we spend our spare time doing?!

I'm going to be honest though, comments like that will continue to find their way out of my mouth. Verbal diarrhoea is a problem I've had for a long time, probably since I emerged from the womb back in '91. However I do hope the girl is happy with herself, and hope she hasn't taken on my advice.. else she'll look better than me.. haha joking. (I'm not)

'What happens when you get a bladder infection? Urine big trouble...'

'Urinals? They take no shit'... 

Okay I can't think (/find) anymore, donations of the toilet pun variety would be kindly appreciated.