'I'm fine with my hand until someone amazing comes along'

Yes, this was (nearly) a direct quote from myself to my UNCLE, (I know I amaze myself).

 My love life. A topic which my family often like to discuss, as they have met one boyfriend in my 21 years, they seem it odd, strange, weird, alien that I don’t have boyfriend, after boyfriend after boyfriend. WHY IS THIS? I am not a girl who has a constant line of boyfriends, nothing wrong with you if you do, but that is not me. I like myself thank you very much.

 

Why is it insisted upon that I need a man to make me happy? (Apologies for pussycat dolls reference). Truth is I don’t, yes it can be lonely, when you haven’t had a good spoon in months. But I have a shit load of teddy bears that will suffice until someone can blow me off my feet. 

What’s the harm in waiting for someone amazing. A hosts of guys can come and flirt with you in a club. Yawn, bore, snore.

 

(No of course not babe, come on over flirt with me, lick (more like tickle?) my face, take me home and let me COMB YOUR LUSCIOUS LOCKS).

Yes I can detect you've just had some kind of sexual encounter in the toilet with that girl who everyone's clocked, one tooth, bright blue eyeshadow extending all the way to her forehead, sporting a dress screaming 'Easy Access Boiz Im Redi 4 u'. Usually: body-con, neon, slits, low cut, covering no hole other than the belly button. (They definitely wouldn't be able to spell 'access').

Usually the position they sustain all night, which may I add also applies to all cats. (In my opinion all cats are slutty, sly and out for all they can get - i've never met a cat who isn't a strumpet. Don't be fooled).

And no i'm not going to be swayed by a blue WKD and an apple sourz shot.

I need more than that to excite me. Yes I’ve come across men in my time in shopping centres and supermarkets and other strange places. If there is an attraction in the most random of places, it will give me more of a buzz than a nightclub or a bar. Because frankly, we’ve heard the same spiel ten times over, propped up against a bar talking complete rubbish whilst you breathe vodka fumes in our faces (which I’m sure may have effect on the longevity of makeup – so back off). 

If you approach me in a petrol station at 9am (obviously a day I have makeup on and am not looking like trailer trash), we know you are genuinely attracted and have got something about you to approach a girl sober and at 9am (yes this is very far-fetched come to think of it). But you get my point. I don’t think I’m an average Jane; therefore I’m not going to settle for the average Joe.

Bloody hell, she's beautiful.

LOOK AT HER, no way is she your average Jane? A high calibre of male is needed to sweep her and her large melons (mine are equally at large, if not bigger) off her feet..