Starbucks name writing. Yep, exciting as it sounds.

You’d think there was a surge of literacy examinations among the workforce of coffee house Starbucks and other coffee houses taken in by this ridiculous fad. In a bid to create some kind of emotional connection with their customers, name writing is supposed to crystalize the relationship between you and your coffee house.

Emotional connection? I’m only remotely interested in any connection if the barista happens to be male, 6ft, tanned, chiselled jaw line (the list goes on), between the ages of 20-35 (beggars can’t be choosers). Well maybe the outline of (at least) a six-pack seeping through his uniform would be nice too? Call me crude? No... well yeah. Emotional connection? Not required thanks Starbucks; just a quick perv at a nice face/body will do me just fine. Take some tips from Abercrombie and Fitch/Hollister, attractiveness = employability? Duh.

Honestly though, more to the point..

A. I’m sure I can remember what I ordered, so if you shout it I’ll know, and more than likely be miraculously standing there waiting for an item I’ve just paid for?

B. My names just been called out wrong, well now I look like a f*cking cretin, my gender is being questioned by the 6/10 boy next to me and a middle aged woman is looking at me thinking I’ve been named after some foreign fruit (I wish, my parents were born in the dark ages).

C. However there is no doubt I’ll keep coming back, in the hope some joker employee writes ‘c*nt’ on my coffee cup or some equally obscene word, and then I can upload it to Facebook in a bid to get 100+ likes. Because that’s what life's all about? Right?

NO. IT ISN’T. SO PLEASE PEOPLE JUST DRINK YOUR BLOODY DRINK AND STOP TAKING PICTURES OF THE CARDBOARD CUP. I DON’T CARE IF IT HAS RYAN GOSLING’S SWEAT IN IT (pause, I definitely would care) drink it. Please.

Here is my next issue, aside from the initial issue of ‘cup writing’ (see how sh*t that looks as an actual activity). Secondly this bombardment of instagrammers, Facebookers etc. sharing with the entire world a cardboard cup with name on front? Okay so I already know your name? Do I really need to know you’re having a drink? You’ve bought a drink because you’re thirsty and fluid is imperative to the function of the human body, so why the frig aren’t you drinking it already? 

#I’dratheryouuploadapictureofyournostrils

Take Virginia for example, this is one drastic (-ally funny) situation she has found herself in. Alongside ‘Virgin’ and other ghastly errors, I mean come the fuck on the world isn’t ending you’re not in that much of a rush to spell  V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A? Or maybe you’re just inept. Yeah probably the latter.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m partial to a nice brew, (Yorkshire tea is my tipple), none of this fancy mochachocawockaflockaflame malarkey. My emotional connection to my trusted friend Yorkie isn’t going to be broken by the glorification of a cardboard up with my name on? To be frank I’m sick of my name, everyday I have to read the bloody thing, input it somewhere, type it or correct someone’s spelling. (Rachel-F*CK SAKE, Racheal-wtf is this, Rachelle-come on my parents aren’t that cool, and the list goes on). So why the bloody hell would I subject myself to such anxiety? 

Why not write something they like about that customer?  ‘Nice arse’ now not only is that is something to be proud of, it is also acceptable to show off to the entirety of your social media population. Coffee and a compliment, what more could you want?

Oh look some joker thought Virginia’s Vagina hadn’t caused enough trouble (or got enough action). Nothing better than adding fuel to the fire eh?

(Apologies if this offends anyone I know who works in Starbucks or a coffee chain indulging in this fad. If you are an employee then make sure you write something obscene on a customers cup in the near future, they won’t be displeased, in fact it will make their existence. Seeing ‘100 people like this’ will be their greatest achievement to date).